An Old Entry!

I'm not new to putting pen to paper. I have pages and pages of writings all over my computers but i've just never been comfy with the idea of a blog...well not until now [altho i'm not completely comfy yet]. Anyways i came across one of my write-ups from a couple of years ago....

"Jan 29th 200*
A friend just suggested “so just write like it’s your diary. Write your truth. Your happiness. Your frustrations. Your aspirations etc”……..and I thought Why not?? I’m not doing anything else, besides writing might help me get some perspective.
First Entry…yay!
I’m going to try to write as often as I can but I’m not promising a daily entry. I’m not going to do a blog or an online diary cos I have this thing about being unknown…speaking of which, I think I need to analyze that but that’s another day’s issue.
The problem now will be where I begin…Where do I begin? Right here! Right Now!

I just spent the last minute trying to decide where to begin….this might be harder than I thought. If I start from here and now then I do injustice to my yester-thoughts and the yesterdays, in the same token going back seems like such a daunting task…

OK!! I’ll go back a few…just on the things that have remained foremost in my mind.

My spiritual life!…I was talking to a friend about life and passion and she was going on about how she couldn’t believe that there isn’t anyone thing that gets me ‘giddy’…well there isn’t! and its been a bother for me for a long time now that I don’t know what my passion is…that I don’t know what it is that I’ve been called to do. Well, she went on to say that she thinks that “calling” (which to me is the same as passion, but not to her) is one of those things that some pple live their whole lives not knowing so she doesn’t even think about it…then she sends me a quote about some pple chasing this thing that will never be…that depressed me a little cos I keep getting this feeling that my life is missing something.

So I go to church Jan 28th and the message is about Reaching!!...oh my God…was that a timely word or what? He talked about how important passion is and how a lack of passion is responsible for life becoming boring, redundant, one existing and not living, one who has no goals, has lost tenacity, one who has lost hope ETC. This is exactly the way I’ve been feeling lately. He said the reason people stop reaching is that they fear rejection and disappointment so they take they “if I don’t expect, I don’t get disappointed” route…again that’s ME!!

Why have I been feeling that way? It’s not like I’ve been disappointed really. I think sometimes this Christian walk gets so overwhelming I doubt that I can actually do it. I’ve never had a dramatic encounter with God so a lot of times it just feels like I’m going through the motion…which is crazy because some pple will kill to have the kind of stress free life I’ve been blessed with.
Anyways one the remedies to this the preacher says is to ‘reach towards a deeper relationship with God’ this ain’t rocket science so it ain’t like I didn’t know that…but it makes sense so that’s what I’m going to do. I have slipped a whole lot from where I used to be but God being my grace, it will be well. My problem is reading the word….i just don’t get it sometimes so I get frustrated trying to understand it and I just stop. I can read xtian literature all day long, I can listen to sermons all day long…but spending time in the word is something I run from….how do I wanna get deeper with God if I refuse to read about him?? There in lies my dilemma. I’ve prayed and I will try again…God being my grace, it will be well. I can write for days but i'll stop here...Thanks dear friend :D"

Hmmm its quite amazing the things that we go thru and how time may or maynot change things. I cant say i feel my spiritual life is tons better now than it was back then. Infact, if you had asked me about 4 months ago i would have said it's much worse.
However, this year i'm taking a "Unto Thee Oh Lord" approach. I can only do what i can do. God knows i'm human...i need to stop feeling guilty for being so and stop allowing the devil make me condemn myself because God doesn't condemn me...*take dat satan, HA!!* My spiritual life is another area i can talk about for days...but not today jare, this entry is already rather long.

*Muah*